The Tango Humor page is a tongue-in-cheek examination of the o-so-serious world of tango.
A tango fantasy
Signs you are a tango addict
Ability to dance tango becomes a strong plus in looking for a partner
You stopped apologizing upon mistakes, and just tango out of them
You agonize for weeks over the colour and style of your next tango shoes
The word 'ocho' makes your body pivot involuntarily
People at work know you dance tango, and you don't care
The world is divided into two types of people: those who tango... and those who don't have a clue
You have more tango shoes than 'real-life' shoes
The worst type of injury isn't heart failure, but twisting your ankle
You have a strong position on Tango Nuevo
You suddenly realize all the people you know are at the milonga
The close embrace with absolute strangers doesn't make you panic
You arrange dinners with friends so they don't clash with lessons, practicas and milongas
You choose your next house based on the amount of polished wooden boards
You're depressed because the milonga was cancelled
You're elated because you've finally cracked 'that move'
You actually know who Carlos Gardel is
You've had a number of very heated 'tango arguments' with your partner
You've given up on taking notes... and you can't understand your previous notes anyway
Your next holiday (defined as a 'pilgrimage') is to Buenos Aires
You're at a cafe, a new tune comes on, and you tell everyone around you (as if they care) that it's 'tango music'
You permanently keep mints and a pair of tango dance shoes in your car... 'just in case'
You wish you'd started tango when you were 10
Your life is divided into 'pre-tango' and 'post-tango'
You web search the tango venues of any area you are traveling to, in advance
You find the reply to asking someone for a dance, and being told they are 'resting', is offensive
You have started to form new tango moves without lessons - and think you are a genius for it
You think dancing with a martyr's smile on your face is acceptable
You've started teaching tango to family and friends
You think that ability to dance is more important than looks
The word 'connection' takes on a mystical tone
The word 'sacada' does not mean an 'unbearably loud insect'
You've experienced more intimacy in a dance than your long term relationships
You practice the 'tango walk' on the street
You truly believe that a man and a woman can touch chest to breast in an 'innocent' manner
You've had 'the tango fight' with your partner on the dance floor
Your computer screensaver is tango related
You define good clothes as 'those that you can dance tango in'
Most of your google searches include the word 'tango'
You wish you knew Spanish
Your answer to 'what do you do?' is invariably linked with tango
Your view someone who can play the bandoneon not as a nerd who learnt an accordion-like instrument, but as a musical genius
You scoff at 'fake' tango shown in movies
A 'sandwich' has transitioned from being an item of food to a dance move
You create a tango web site (true story!)
Quotable tango quotes we wish were real
So you know your movies? These are the real quotes from famous movies...
'Mirror, mirror on the wall - who is the fairest dancer of them all?' - Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
'Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Buenos Aires anymore' - Wizard of Oz
'Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful tanda' - Casablanca
'Play it, Sam. Play Astor Piazzola.' - Casablanca
'I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't step that' - 2001: A Space Odyssey
'...You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel like dancing?' Well, do ya, punk?' - Dirty Harry
'Boleo. James Boleo.' - Dr No
'I'll make her an offer she can't refuse.' - The Godfather
'Is it safe to dance?' - Marathon Man
'You askin' me to dance? Coz I don't see anyone else...' - Taxi Driver
'Use the Parada, Luke' - Star Wars
'The Cabeceo will be with you, always' - Star Wars
'I love the smell of shoe wax in the morning' - Apocalypse Now
'The ocho...the ocho' - Apocalypse Now
'I'll be back... for the next dance' - The Terminator
'Dance with me if you want to live' - The Terminator
'Get away from my partner, you bitch!' - Aliens
'Be embraced. Be very embraced' - The Fly
'There can be only one Gardel' - Highlander
'Mama always said life was like a box of castigadas' - Forrest Gump
'Giro, for lack of a better word, is good' - Wall Street
'Yippee-kai-yay, milonguero' - Die Hard
'I'll dance with whom she's dancing' - When Harry Met Sally
'Houston, we have a parada' - Apollo 13
'Love your sacada' - The Silence of the Lambs
'A census taker once tried to dance with me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.' - The Silence of the Lambs
'He won't dance with me. He won't. I can't explain it. He would consider that...rude' - The Silence of the Lambs
'Hasta la volcada, baby' - Terminator 2: Judgment Day
'You can't handle the Cabeceo!' - A Few Good Men
'Get busy dancin' or get busy dyin' - The Shawshank Redemption
'It's too bad she won't dance... but then again, who does?' - Blade Runner
'Is this testing whether I'm a leader or a follower, Mr. Deckard?' - Blade Runner
Murphy's laws as applied to tango
If it can be danced wrong, it will.
- corollary: if the possibility exists of several steps being danced wrong, the one that will go wrong is the one that will cause most humiliation.
No step is as easy as it looks.
Every step takes longer to learn than you think.
Left to themselves, dancers go from bad to worse.
Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong in a tanda, that's when it will occur.
If everything seems to be going well in a dance, you have obviously overlooked something.
Never make a dance simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and strenuous.
All the good dancers are taken.
- corollary: If a dancer isn't taken, there's a reason.
The more you want to dance with someone, the farther away (s)he is from you.
Ability to Dance x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
How much someone wants to dance with you is inversely proportional to how much you want to dance with them.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
No matter how many times you've dance with him/her, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
A woman on the dance floor is worth two in the street.
Tango is dirty only if it's done right.
When the lights are dim, all men and women are beautiful.
It is better to have danced and lost than never to have danced at all.
The one time you have forgotten to put on deodorant is the time the air-conditioners will break down, leaving you a sweaty smelling mess.
If she can crush your foot with her heel, she will.
- corollary: when she does step on you, she you will be using the shoes with ultra-slim heels.
Just as you get that beautiful connection going, some idiot will collide with you.
As soon as you get to dance with the person you have been waiting for all night, the music will be undanceable.
Something that you have been practicing for months at lessons and practicas, to perfection, will fail miserably at a milonga.
- corollary: when you fail at a particularly glamorous sequence of steps, you will be in a position that everyone can see.
Overheard at tango: what they said... and what they meant...
Expressions, etiquette, euphemisms... we use and we love them. But between those lines, what are the hidden messages?
What They Said
What do you think of the tango performance?
I think the performance was average but I'll ask first not to embarrass myself.
The music playing is fairly 'interesting' eh?
The music is as 'interesting' as say... punk rock.
Sorry I'm a bit too tired to dance at the moment.
Too tired to dance with you, that is.
[Follower to Lead] That dress looks great on you!
O thank you sweet Jesus in heaven I am going to dance close embrace with you!
[Lead to Follower] A bit hot tonight don't you think?
Would it have been too much to put on some antiperspirant?
Hi, so nice to see you again!
Would be even nicer if I could remember your name.
So, do you enjoy the tango?
I'm a total newbie to the tango scene.
[After a dance] Wow that was great!
That connection was so powerful I think I'm in love!
[During a dance] Ooops!
Sorry I am so unimpressive with my pathetic dancing.
Here let me show you something...
I'm just such a hot dancer that now I will teach you the RIGHT way of dancing...
[After just the first dance in a tanda] Thanks for that.
That was so bad that I just have to get off the dance floor.
[Follower to Lead] My shoes are way too big for me.
As my dancing is so hideous tonight, I'll blame it on the shoes.
[Lead to Follower who has just stepped on him] No problems.
I wonder how many bones in my foot have just been crushed by your heel?
The best tango dancers are not necessarily human!
Passion for Tango
Animation - En Tus Brazos (In Your Arms)
These guys dance anywhere they damn like!
Tango Bloopers, Mistakes and Falls
It happens to the best of us...
How many does it take...?
Reversal of gender roles by clever editing
Attributed to Fran Hatt.
Poking fun at tango dancing, the embraces and steps
Attributed to Eduardo Cappussi and Mariana Flores.
If God had intended us to do tango, he would have made women's knees bend the other way.
What dance do you do when summer is over? Tango (tan-go)
Where do short people go to dance? A milonga (me-longer)
What do you call a beautiful door? Adorno (a-door-now)
What do you call a stack of money about to topple over? Apilado (a-pile-o'-doe)
Why was the prisoner dragging his feet? He was performing an arrestre (arrested)
Why were the musicians so boring? They were playing bandoneon (band-on-and-on)
What do call an executive looking sharply out of a taxi? A cabeceo (cab-CEO)
How many tango teachers does it take to change a light bulb? Five!... Six!... Seven!... Eight!
What do you call a one legged tango dancer? Eileen (I Lean)
What's the difference between a tango teacher and a dentist? A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you
What animals are poor dancers? Four legged ones, because they have two left feet
What sort of music do cows like to tango to? Any kind of moosic
There's a new type of step in tango called the 'avoidance'... It's a dance for people who hate each other
What's the definition of an optimist? A bandoneon player with a pager.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To follow the line of dance - OR - the road led, the chicken followed.
Characterizations of the three types of tango: American tango is when you've just started dating, and you're flirting in an atmosphere of sexual tension. Argentine tango is when you've just started sleeping together and you can't keep your hands off each other. International tango is when you've been married for seven years and you're only staying together for the sake of the children.
What is the vampire's favorite type of tango? The vaults.
Two men - one dancing tango nuevo and the other a traditional tango dancer - were sentenced to die on the same day. They were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, 'Son, do you have a last request?' To which the man replied, 'Yes sir, I do. I love tango music. Could you please play some nuevo for me one last time?' 'Certainly,' replied the warden. He then turned to the other man and asked, 'Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?' 'Please,' said the condemned man, 'kill me first.'
I tried to dance syncopated tango the other week, but the music kept starting on the wrong beat.
I did a real sexy tango. I'm told it's even better with a partner.
My girlfriend and I love to dance. She goes on Fridays, I go on Saturdays.
She didn't know how to follow. I did a left turn while she did a right. I never saw her again.
We did the Argentine Tango. She did some fancy high kicks. It was very painful.
We did a nice slow Tango. I did a series of gentle rocking steps. She fell asleep.
'That didn't work too well', she commented. 'I'm sorry', he said, 'I'm just not a very good follower.'
I was taught that my right hand should be on the lady's bra strap. Then the sixties cam along and I got all confused.
Man: 'Could I have the last dance with you?' Woman: 'You're having it.'
Man: 'I think you're leading.' Woman: 'Well, somebody's got to do it.'
Man: 'You're a good dancer.' Women: 'That makes one of us.'
Woman: 'Shouldn't your hand be on my shoulder blade?' Man: 'Sorry, I can't reach that far.'
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